Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Pandora's Box

Yup, Pandora's Box was opened last night during yoga class and a whole bunch of bad stuff came out. Long story short, we paired up (which I have expressed on here that I haaaaaaaaaaaaate) and did a drop back into full wheel and then come right back up. After doing this twice, the third time my partner dropped me right on the top of my head. I'm friends with the person I was paired up with which is why I even bothered, if it would have been anyone else I would have opted out.

Before doing it a third time I told her that I was tired and I didn't want to do anymore but she insisted I try one more.....she was trying to be supportive and encouraging. I don't know how it happened, but I was in wheel and she went to pull me up and I went right back down.

It wasn't a big spectacle, I was fine, it didn't even hurt actually but I was embarrassed, really embarrassed, although I don't think anyone else saw this except my partner and my teacher. She ran over to make sure I was ok and I said I was in as few words as possible because I didn't want to make a scene. That's when I felt my eyes water and my throat get tight. I had to leave the room to compose myself.

I went to the bathroom and BURST into tears. I have told my friend/partner once before that I don't like pairing up because I'm usually the biggest girl in the room and I'm afraid I will hurt someone. She hates when I talk like that because she doesn't think there's anything wrong with me. Whatever. So by this happening just stirred up every negative thought and emotion I have about myself that I have been trying to erase. I hate it. I splashed some water on my face and went back but the rest of class was kind of ruined for me.

My friend tried to catch me afterward but I jetted out of the studio because I didn't want to talk to anyone as I started crying again and didn't want anyone to see me. I'm ok I guess, still upset and wondering what can I do to make myself happy with my body. It's gonna take more than just yoga.


A said...

I've burst into tears in the most non-tear-bursting places before and soooo recognize what you're talking about. It comes from my being uncomfortable with certain areas of my life that are, in that moment, thrown in my face to deal with. And sometimes I deal with them through shame, anger and tears. We all experience that, and I hope that can be of comfort to you.

Cupcakes & Yoga said...

I know. Usually my first physical reaction to most negative feelings, ESPECIALLY anger is tears. It's very annoying. I'm a big cryer.

Yogamum said...

I've been dropped on my head doing dropbacks as well. It's so scary! I didn't cry that time, but I've burst into tears many times during yoga. I wish there was some kind of pill I could take for that ;-)

Anonymous said...

Yoga helps, but you're right ~ it takes a whole lot more. :o/ I wish I could say I know what it takes to make one happy with one's body, but I don't. I HATE that most of us (women) have that hang up. I was watching Dr. 90210 one day and saw a woman who was in incredible shape going in for a liposuction consultation. When asked why, she pulled at a teeny amount of skin on her lower abs. I was horrified. This broad thought she was chunky, yet you could easily count her ribs. She wasn't happy because she didn't have a full six-pack. I thought, "Oh my God, we're all brainwashed." (I LOVE the weight loss commercials..."I was a size 10, and now I'm a 4!!!" When did 10 become unacceptable for a woman of 5'6"?!)

I'm guessing the first step is realizing that it truly is a form of cultural brainwashing. Once we identify it as such, we can start rejecting it. Someone suggested we all start wearing cute, pink t-shirts with the message, "F*ck Cosmo." :oD

Gypsy Girl said...

I have never had the tears well up in yoga practice although I have seen it in class and know it is common. I have however had the same tearful experience during meditation and couldn't stop crying for quite a while. I read that it is suppose to be a healing experience and that we are suppose to go with it, feeling what is going on inside of us and releasing it by just letting go of the feelings. But that can be embarassing in the middle of a yoga class thank you very much!!!
I think most women aren't happy with their bodies. Like lori said even the ones with the six pack!!! Go figure.
I hope your next class is better

I wish you love, peace and laughter

shinyyoga said...

look, I get what yr saying. i have felt it too - literally, with those tears.

but just like sometimes we need to accept cultural conditioning.. i reckon we need to also accept that crying is GOOD. Hon, it's therapeutic.. it's natural, it's a release of things inside ourself.. so try to enjoy it too.. Hmmm enjoy is perhaps not the word I'm looking for, but accept it as part of an idea you are LIVING your life to the full (good, bad and indifferent experiences)

take care lovely x

Nadine Fawell said...

Hey Marilyn!

I have cried in yoga class, and once in urdvha danurasana I heard an awful crack in my lower back, and found it hard to move once I came out of the pose. The teacher told me not to let my fear stop me from doing the pose next class. I have always thought this was odd advice, since in retrospect, my body just wasn't ready . Yoga is about testing our limits, but it is not about gaily trampling them. You don't have to do drop-backs yet, or ever, even if everyone else is! And you KNOW we all (women, anyway) have body issues. Just remember, if you had lived during Botticelli's time, you (and indeed I) would have been considered perfect, and the size zeroes would have been the ones feeling out. Times change, fashions change. Hopefully fashion will swing to something a little healthier soon! I think you are great, and how strong - look at how you can fly in bakasana!

Asana Bear said...

Totally unrelated to anything but I thought you'd enjoy this photo...from someplace on flickr...I forget.

Megan said...

Oh, Marilyn. I'm so sorry. I've been gone awhile, so I haven't been reading.

I know exactly how you feel.. It's not something you can control. I hate that about myself. I so want to be in love with me, but I keep pushing myself away with bad comments in the mirror. I'm so proud that you even go to classes! I stopped that 20 pounds ago.

I don't want to negate how you feel, because it is a real feeling for you, and you can have as many of those as you want, but I've seen you. I've seen pictures of you and you are a beautiful strong woman. I envy your body and your ability to accept it.

I cry when doing any form of exercise these days. I don't know why, but the more upbeat, the more I cry. Maybe it's a longing. Who the h*** knows.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I think you're really beautiful, and very cool!